Darkest Period of my Life - From Preggie to Miscarriage

So I wanted to come back to blogging after my miscarriage last October but was too caught up with everything..

I wanna share about my experience so that other mummies who may face similar situation may find strength and comfort. Also to provide info and insights for those in doubt.

Last August end, I found out I was pregnant!! After about 5 test kits over 2 weeks. I was feeling sore breasts etc and was pretty sure that I was preggie yet negative and negative..

Eventually I tested positive!! And i remember I went shopping at baby fair giving myself green light to get new breastpumps and etc..

Excitedly as the previous round.. informed hubby and made plans to do blood test.. haha we wanted to be very sure.. and results came back Confirmed abt 5 weeks.. and so we made announcements..

Then I went polyclinic to get my referral.. and waited for my KKH appt.. this round.. its at 7 weeks.. compared to Eva time at 10 weeks..

At the first scan..
Sonographer couldnt see baby at all.. only yolk sac n water bag but no fetal pole nor heart beat.. we thought maybe still small..

A week later..
Supposedly a 3mm lil fetal pole was seen..
But hope aint high.. well.. unless LMP was very far off which i doubt.. no matter how i calculate.. It doesnt seem right..

A week later..
Confirmation that no fetal pole can be found.. and shrinkage of water bag observed.. in fact a day before the scan.. i suddenly felt all preggie symptoms vanished..

Doc advised and confirmed a miscarriage.. couldnt put any date to the baby since baby isnt even spotted..

I was calm and I asked all the questions abt the next step.. Which from google.. I know that usually its by natural discharge or procedural clean..

Natural discharge can sometimes not be thorough enuff and will still require the procedure.. so I decided to opt for the procedure.. doc advised for an uterus evacuation.. more details on that in next post..

And I had to decide on immediate admission or following day as doc put me on emergency instead of elective due to waiting time VS need to evac it soon..

Given it was a Thursday.. I decided to do it asap.. so i can be discharged by Friday and take care of Eva over weekend.. Hubby will also jus need drop her at childcare..

I was calm and I stayed rational and logical throughout. I am surprised at how strong I could be. I explained to hubby as a matter of factly why this happened. All the docs i met told me there is no reason.. nothing could have been done to prevent it.. likely a one off case.. and its natural selection since embryo possibly unhealthy to start with..

But regardless.. being a mum.. being the carrier of the baby.. the whole thing was tearing me apart from inside.. i was slowly consumed with grief that I couldnt handle nor face.. its pain.. grief.. guilt.. sadness.. anguish.. everything crushing me deep inside..

I will share more about the procedure in next post.. And what happened following that seems even more challenging...